Corks & Seeds

Ever plant a seed and a day later want to dig it up to see if it’s growing yet? Crazy right?

The moment I started to enjoy you more than I was ready to was the moment I got lost in my head. I turned everything sexual, trying desperately to control the uncontrollable and tried to manipulate or even cheapen the experience. I wasn’t’ ready for what happened. I wasn’t ready to start thinking of you at odd moments or consider what this could be. I felt out of control. As if the situation would consume me. All I could think of was I want more. More kisses more touch more. This insatiable feeling was taken over my every thought. Leaving me unable to work, sleep or do daily activities. This unjustified feeling of uncontrollable want was leaving me embarrassed and honestly unable to understand how I could deserve to be happy, leaving me exposed and vulnerable in everyway possible. Something just didn’t make sense.

I thought I was ready, I really did. I wasn’t ready to find out you had kissed one of my closest friends.
Or feel intimidated in the kitchen with you.
It was more feeling than I could deal with.

When in doubt do nothing. Take it slow and steady.
Develop in time. Consider the situation. All great little nuggets of advice for normal, non-jaded people like me.

I let my head overpower my heart. It felt so exciting getting ready to see you. Driving up to you. Seeing you smile in such a kid like way. Such ease and unawareness of my overthinking crazy thoughts.

Even as I write this I judge myself and blame it all on me. I know better. I gave you all the power and never once thought how you felt. Too scared to ask what you wanted. Are you ready for this? Do you even want this?

Is it too late to run in the opposite direction? I don’t know how to do this?
I fucked this up. The moment I started to like you was moment I sexualized everything and lite things on fire so to speak. You didn’t have a chance. I wanted to prove I wasn’t worthy of such passionate kisses or easy living. I’m used to having the upper hand. Being in control was more important than being happy and enjoying myself. The idea of you finding out I wasn’t perfect was too much pain for me to handle.

I’m not sure you can even understand any of this right now.
How keeping my distance is probably the best thing I can do for both of us right now. And somehow I think you know. You get things in a way that leaves me scared to get too close.

Could we just blame it all on the cork? That unsinkable bottle stopper, that started it all…
Moments that take your breath away, and put a smile on your face. Is it too late to tap out and regroup? Can I get my ducks in row and my head straight once again or even for the first time.
I keep worrying about what others will think. How timing is everything.

This was out of character for me.

All I know is I’m scared and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to control myself. Making things sexual so soon was not my true intention. It was just a desperate cry to avoid feeling so much so fast. I need a time out.

Knowing makes no difference. As well trained and aware as I am, I know I’m not without fault and reason.
I’m notorious at destruction. At adding fire to the flame and letting it burn motherfucker burn.
Talk into his listening. You must think I’m crazy. I don’t know you. And I truly encouraged things to get way too sexual so fast. I never should of sent that picture. It was the moment I started to like you and have feelings that felt out of control. Never once did I ask you what you wanted. Learning to just be with my feelings. Destructive and confusing, that’s all I know right now.

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